How to receive feedback for highly sensitive people

Ironically, I have gotten the feedback that I need to work on receiving feedback.

I was addicted to external validation so much so that my self esteem would take a hit any time someone had less than positive things to say.

I often cringed under the spotlight of a manager or teacher’s critique. The people-pleaser in me can barely handle the idea of not being perfect. I had to learn how to take feedback as a necessity because I struggled with it so much, which feels important to share.

First, stop conflating your performance with your worth as a person. It can be easy to confuse, especially if your biggest early influences conflated these things and praised you only for performance.

It can also be tough to bounce back when you are super-sensitive, so take time before receiving the feedback to do some power-posing or mantras of self-confidence. Think of this as putting on pads before playing a sport and embrace the possibility that you might get knocked around a bit.

Next, be prepared adapt in your own sweet time. Flexibility is one of the most important traits that thriving folk share. They aren’t so set on how things “should” be that they refuse to make changes in their behavior. These changes cannot happen overnight if they are going to last, so make some notes on your desk that you can return to each day that will encourage you to move toward positive changes. I have “I can regulate my emotions” and “I am not interested in negative thoughts” posted on my computer right now.

What if what is being asked seems impossible? What if you feel crushed?

Smart sensitive people know when to get support with tasks that feel unmanageable. Pride takes a backseat to goals. To know your personality traits objectively and honestly is crucial in being able to throw out a line when you need it. Take some space to reflect and own your strengths and weaknesses regularly to prepare yourself for feedback time.

Last, and this can’t be stressed enough, is to remember that all reflections from others are slightly distorted by the projections that people have. It could be a socio-cultural location, or a mannerism that reminds them of someone, that color their impression of you. It’s not the whole story. Projections are unconscious. They could be positive or negative. They point is, they don’t belong to you. Be willing to give back pieces of feedback that strike a dissonant tone with your intuition - one that says I’m not so sure I agree with that. Kindly return the projection out into the universe so it can be released and any negativity can be diffused. Nobody needs to be carrying around that extra emotional weight!

The difference between disowning projections and downright denial can be tough to decipher. If you are stuck on some piece of the feedback, do some research within your meditation practice. If your curiosity is greater than your hurt feelings, you can even check it out with close friends who you trust to give you an honest assessment of whether you possess this trait. The important thing is to try to avoid defensive behavior such as blaming or shaming yourself or others. These paths lead to no good end, and drain out essential energy. Put this to better use by engaging in a healthful practice!

If you are hurt by the feedback, that is okay! Listen to those feelings and give yourself tender, nurturing time. Make tea, put on your favorite movie or album, and let yourself cry in a place where you won’t be distracted. Hold yourself and rock gently, like you are soothing a baby, which activates the rest-and-digest system. This will give your body and mind the space to digest the feelings. Engage in behaviors that build up your confidence and make you feel like yourself again. I like to take a bike ride or paint by numbers, or call my best friend to share our latest hilarities.

Tip - Practicing skills and hobbies outside of work as another great way to diversify your performance avenues. This can take the pressure off of feedback, because you aren’t putting all your eggs in one basket.

Another tip- You can also write a letter to yourself for Feedback Day. Start on a day when you are feeling relaxed. Write out exactly what makes you great at your work and also include encouraging things that only you know would feel good after receiving some tough feedback. Include reminders about what sorts of activities you do that bring you back up when you’re feeling down.

Personal growth work is not for the faint of heart, which is not to be confused with being highly sensitive. Those who are sensitive have a soft, quiet strength. Draw upon this strength deep inside you to face challenging conversations, and each time you do, the next round will be that much more do-able.

Own your sensitivity proudly, and hang in there!

With love,

Stacy