Mastering Relationships with a YO-YO

Mastering the art of communicating in relationships shouldn't have to feel like such a daunting task. I fumbled my way through my own relationships, trying to find ways to communicate. I often felt misunderstood. As I searched for words to describe my complex emotions, I found that my partner was often as confused as I was about what was really going on.

Children have a beautifully simple way of communicating. They will shout "NO!" when they don't want to be picked up, "YUM!" when they eat their favorite snack, and "OUCH!" when they pinch a finger. There isn't a lot of guessing as to what's really going on for them. It's clear and simple, and really quite brilliant.

Let's take a page out of their book for a moment.

The YO-YO method is easy to remember and quite easy to use, if you're someone who wants to be a more clear communicator.

Let your judgmental adult mind take a rest here, and call upon your inner child's wisdom for best results. Here we go!

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YUCK

My nephew hates peas, and makes it infinitely clear that he has a boundary with those peas. I get a similar feeling when people violate my boundaries, or the boundaries of people I care about. It's gross. People need to know when we are feeling violated or "yucky" from something that happened between you two. It's not about whether this is right or wrong - you're allowed to not like peas, or whatever else you don't like. A simple "yuck" can clarify for you - and your partner(s) - what you do NOT want in your space. It is sacred, after all! For bonus points, feel free to follow it up with exactly what was so yucky (the more specific you can be, the less defensive and confused your partner will be), and what you might like them to do differently next time.

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OUCH

Let's say the average adult stubs their toe. They usually have an easy time of showing that they are in searing pain (although their choice of words might be more PG-13). Why is it so hard to express our emotional hurts? When we feel hurt, instead of "ouch, that really didn't feel good," we say "What's wrong with you?!" My suggestion is instead of making it about the other person's faults, we can let them know that their words or actions made us feel hurt. It's that simple. "When you forgot to pick up the milk, it was an 'ouch' for me because it makes me think that you don't care about me." This is a much better start to a conversation than the former prompt, and one that is much less likely to elicit our partner's defenses.

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YAY/YUM

I think this is my favorite one, because we so often focus on what's wrong with relationships as a starting point for communication. The truth is that there can be so much right with our relationships, but our negativity bias gets dominates our mind. The next time your partner does something that you admire, or something that excites you, let them know! It's not only going to release endorphins in your brain, but it's going to positively reinforce your partner's behavior so they keep doing it. Or simply make a list of yays and yums for yourself as a gratitude check-in, and take a deep breath for each item on your list. Don't worry about how small or silly they may seem. Your body will immediately feel the effects of a moment of gratitude.

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OOPS

Pride can be a major block in relationships. Our ego wants so desperately to keep up its charade that it is who we are that it can prevent us from developing humility. There is statistically no way to go through the course of your relationship life without hurting someone's feelings or making a mistake - an "oops" as my mother called them. It doesn't matter whether you intended to hurt them or not; the impact is what matters. You are still a good person even though you made a mistake. The best way to recover from those mistakes, in my opinion, is putting pride and ego aside to listen to the impact of our actions and be willing to own up to them. Then, you can move on and make new, better memories after you've repaired.

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Good luck and many blessings!

Stacy